As I sit here listening to one kid scream at me, the other getting angry because I expect him to clean up his own messes, I suddenly realize that it's not worth it to actually try and be a parent. There are times, like today for instance, where I feel more like an unpaid servant than an actual father. No one really appreciates anything that I do; in fact they expect me to do everything for them without help, and without any type of reward. It may sound strange or even selfish to expect a reward for being a parent but in all honesty, the best reward would simply be for my kids to help me out a little around here and not act as though I am their personal assistant and my job is to wait on them hand and foot. It makes me wonder, is that my job? Is that what becoming a parent means? Becoming subservient to tiny, selfish, spoiled, little replications of oneself? When did I become so browbeaten?

I do all that I can for my children. I drive them to and from school, help them with homework, buy them food and clothes, do the laundry, wash dishes, cook, clean and spend every bit of money I have on them, sparing little for myself and still, it’s never enough. I ask my son to do one simple thing, clean up the mess that he made in the living room, and all I get is grief, reluctance, defiance, and complaints.

I see a really dangerous pattern evolving with my six year old. I asked him the other day to help me clean up and he refused, instead opting to go into the living room, with food that he is not allowed to eat in there, and switched on the television that I asked him not to watch until he’d picked up his clothes and toys. So, defeated, I said fine, I would clean it up myself. I was making dinner then, had just finished cleaning the kitchen and dining room, the food was cooking slowly on the stove and I wanted a break. I sat down at the kitchen table and lit a cigarette, setting a can of soda in front of me and just relaxed a bit. My six year old son became enraged, screamed at me that I was not cleaning the living room, jumped of the couch and started throwing clothes and toys around in a rage yelling that he would just have to do everything himself! Granted, some of this behavior is learned. I myself am guilty of flying off the handle and yelling about how no one helps me while cleaning up a mess that I have asked the kids repeatedly to clean up. The really disturbing thing to me though is that my six year old became so angry over the fact that I was taking a break and not cleaning when he himself had just refused to help me.

This child has also flown into a rage because I would not allow him to use my computer to listen to YouTube or play video games. A “good” parent would put his foot down and say no, not give in. teaching kids boundaries is important, but a tired, frustrated, broken parent with no desire to fight, like myself, just gives in, gets off the computer and goes off to wash dishes and clothes while his six year old walks all over him. I was actually thinking this evening about going out and getting another computer at rent-a-center just for my son to use so that I would not have to give up my rights to my own computer anymore. My luck though he would decide that he needed both computers and to save my already frazzled nerves, I would give in and still be without a computer.

I told the kids tonight that if the living room was not clean in 10 minutes, they would both be grounded. Alex, my six year old, asked me what grounded meant. I told him that it meant there would be no more TV, no computer, and no playing outside the rest of the day if the living room was not cleaned. He got angry with me, piled everything that was on the floor onto my coffee table and then shouted “There! It’s clean!” I calmly replied, “No, that is not clean. You just piled everything up. You need to put the things away, fix the rug, and put the scarf back on the table neatly.” He became angry and started throwing things off the table onto the floor. My eight year old daughter who has autism became upset and started screaming, crying, stomping her feet and kicking the end table. My son started yelling at her, telling her to shut up which of course got her more upset and so he starts throwing things at her. At this point I should have stepped in, acted like a father, disciplined my son and calmed my daughter then made my son clean up or go to his room. Did I do any of that? Not exactly, instead, I told him not to upset his sister, apologized to him for expecting him to clean and not letting him watch his movie, and said that I would just clean up the mess myself. So I went ahead and cleaned up the living room, I cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, and put a load of clothes in. I asked him…ASKED him…if I could please use MY computer now because I was done cleaning and he said no that he wanted to watch a video. About an hour later he was done with the computer and wanted to watch batman on the television and I was able to use my computer again, but not before I got him a peanut butter sandwich and a drink that he ate in the living room. I told him that he was not allowed to eat in the living room to please eat in the dining room and he told me to shut up and called me a stupid head. So, after he is done eating I get to clean peanut butter off the couch and pick up the dishes and take them to the kitchen because God forbid I ask him to take his dishes out and put them in the sink.

There are things that I don’t allow. Times that I tell him no, but those instances end up in screaming fits, fights, and either him beating on his sister or breaking things. Yesterday he was fighting with his sister about whether or not her aide was coming over. He insisted that she was not coming and when I told him that she was, to stop telling Autumn that she was not coming, he became angry, took all my DVD’s off the shelf and threw them all over the floor. My partner was the one that made him clean the DVD’s up because at that point I had had enough, sent him to his room, and told him that he was grounded the rest of the day and would have no diner and he was in his room kicking the wall and screaming. Apparently my counseling is doing no good because I still can’t find a way to get my son to stop walking all over me without me throwing a fit and turning into a monster.

There is a very thin line between discipline and abuse and I think that I am afraid of crossing that line so instead I allow my own kid to abuse me instead of the other way around. As time goes on I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with this child and yes this situation is primarily my fault. I lack the parenting skills needed to raise a child properly. Unfortunately, I think that when I have had services in place to help me, the social workers and case managers are used to dealing with abusive parents and helping them find ways to cope with anger issues and teaching them ways to deal with their kids in a calm and patient manner. What I need is someone who can teach me how to have a back bone and stand up to my six year old hell child.